Why today?

Today's one of those days you just reflect on your life and really think, "what have you done with it?"

My mind jumbles. It jumps from one thought to another.

I'm antsy to do something.
I need something fulfilling.
I looked through several job search engines [hotjobs, craigslist, idealist.org and other misc. sites] and found nothing. I don't know why this longing for "my calling" is haunting me right now at this hour and at this period of my life. I'm always like this. Scattered. Jaded. Annoyed. Impatient. Mainly being too inquisitive for my own good.

I'm not sure if the desire for money depressed me tonight[because sometimes in all honesty, I don't care much for it] or if it's this recession and the fact that people have to involuntarily wipe more off their plates. I'm really not sure.

And on the other end of this spectrum, I'm disappointed on several scattered levels. I'm disappointed that I still haven't applied to grad school when I said I would. Disappointed that I don't know what I'd do with the master's degree. Disappointed that we thrive on inflated paper that is becoming more scarce in our dependent society.

And another thing, who created these mock panel of judges, these pseudo rubrics, these insincere, unsympathetic instilled "ideals" we're supposed to function under? What about how we feel as human beings? What about feeling wholesome and metaphysically achieved? NO! We can't. Because it's about dead presidents and the rat race.

God.

I fucking hate conformity.