Clairvoyance

Higher awareness subscription

2009-08-23T03:01:00.000-07:00

You are worthy!

"A person's worth is contingent upon who he is, not upon what he does, or how much he has. The worth of a person, or a thing, or an idea, is in being, not in doing, not in having."

-- Alice Mary Hilton

As a human being, as spirit manifested in form, you are innately worthy. Your worthiness does not have to be strengthened or improved. However, you may not PERCEIVE yourself to be worthy.

If you doubt your self-worth, consciously or unconsciously, you will limit the good things you will allow into your life.

Do you consider yourself worthy? It may help to answer these questions:

- Do you find it easier to give than to receive?
- Do you have as much money as you would like?
- Do you feel driven to improve yourself?
- Do you value other people's time more highly than your own?
- How would you feel if someone offered to pay you a salary of $1 million/year?

If you find you lack self-worth, don't despair. Just being aware of your self-worth issues will help you let them go.

"Every achiever that I have ever met says, ‘My life turned around when I began to believe in me.’"

-- Dr. Robert H. Schuller

"We cannot achieve more in life than what we believe in our heart of hearts we deserve to have."

-- James R. Ball

Watching you. While you watch me. Watching back.

2009-08-18T02:21:00.000-07:00

Come on baby, light my fire

2009-08-18T02:12:00.001-07:00

DSC_0204, originally uploaded by ana_victor1a.

Camping was a success. =)

Whirling

2009-08-18T02:09:00.001-07:00

Things are moving too fast here.
I need to catch my breath and reflect
before I forget that this will all be over soon.

Surprisingly
In the midst of this
I couldn't ask for anything more.

I'm happy here.

If you don't mind

2009-08-18T01:12:00.000-07:00

Always on my mind

2009-08-18T01:07:00.000-07:00

Lessons About Life

2009-08-18T01:01:00.001-07:00

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
Pay off your credit cards every month.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it. (in my terms, the universe.)
Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special..
Over prepare, then go with the flow.
Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
The most important sex organ is the brain.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
Always choose life.
Forgive everyone everything.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Believe in miracles.
God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
Your children get only one childhood.
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s,we’d grab ours back.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Yield.
Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.
(Via)

Dear Miss Universe,

2009-08-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

An oracle visited me in a dream last night
Told me I must learn to let go
Don't be scared any more
I will have everything

If we hang too tight
We risk strangling possibility
Tie it down before it grows
Choke before it takes breath

Exhale
Let faith lead you
It's all going to be okay
I promise

We become everything we say we are
So speak it all into existence
Like calm after the storm
It will come

Life is conspiring
In ways which we cannot see
Write a passage on the Universe's lining
Trust she will make way

New age theory, maybe
Bit I speak in my spirit's language
I can't help it
It's the God in me

Top Five Health Care Reform Lies

2009-08-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

Lie #1: President Obama wants to euthanize your grandma!!!

The truth: These accusations—of "death panels" and forced euthanasia—are, of course, flatly untrue. As an article from the Associated Press puts it: "No 'death panel' in health care bill."⁴ What's the real deal? Reform legislation includes a provision, supported by the AARP, to offer senior citizens access to a professional medical counselor who will provide them with information on preparing a living will and other issues facing older Americans.⁵

Lie #2: Democrats are going to outlaw private insurance and force you into a government plan!!!

The truth: With reform, choices will increase, not decrease. Obama's reform plans will create a health insurance exchange, a one-stop shopping marketplace for affordable, high-quality insurance options.⁶ Included in the exchange is the public health insurance option—a nationwide plan with a broad network of providers—that will operate alongside private insurance companies, injecting competition into the market to drive quality up and costs down.⁷

If you're happy with your coverage and doctors, you can keep them.⁸ But the new public plan will expand choices to millions of businesses or individuals who choose to opt into it, including many who simply can't afford health care now.

Lie #3: President Obama wants to implement Soviet-style rationing!!!

The truth: Health care reform will expand access to high-quality health insurance, and give individuals, families, and businesses more choices for coverage. Right now, big corporations decide whether to give you coverage, what doctors you get to see, and whether a particular procedure or medicine is covered—that is rationed care. And a big part of reform is to stop that.

Health care reform will do away with some of the most nefarious aspects of this rationing: discrimination for pre-existing conditions, insurers that cancel coverage when you get sick, gender discrimination, and lifetime and yearly limits on coverage.⁹ And outside of that, as noted above, reform will increase insurance options, not force anyone into a rationed situation.

Lie #4: Obama is secretly plotting to cut senior citizens' Medicare benefits!!!

The truth: Health care reform plans will not reduce Medicare benefits.¹⁰ Reform includes savings from Medicare that are unrelated to patient care—in fact, the savings comes from cutting billions of dollars in overpayments to insurance companies and eliminating waste, fraud, and abuse.¹¹

Lie #5: Obama's health care plan will bankrupt America!!!

The truth: We need health care reform now in order to prevent bankruptcy—to control spiraling costs that affect individuals, families, small businesses, and the American economy.

Right now, we spend more than $2 trillion dollars a year on health care.¹² The average family premium is projected to rise to over $22,000 in the next decade¹³—and each year, nearly a million people face bankruptcy because of medical expenses.¹⁴ Reform, with an affordable, high-quality public option that can spur competition, is necessary to bring down skyrocketing costs. Also, President Obama's reform plans would be fully paid for over 10 years and not add a penny to the deficit.¹⁵

We're closer to real health care reform than we've ever been—and the next few weeks will decide whether it happens. We need to make sure the truth about health care reform is spread far and wide to combat right wing lies.

via Moveon.org

Tandems are sweeeeeeeet!

2009-08-09T03:24:00.000-07:00

The Invitation

2009-08-09T03:01:00.001-07:00

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even if its not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from The presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are and how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994

& it sounds so beautiful, put it in rhyme cause it feels so musical

2009-08-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

For all the wars inside me

2009-08-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

Truth one.

I'm not always confident
I never know how to begin any of my poems
Wonder if I know how to use these words
Like I'm supposed to
Worry that I'm not able
Uncomfortable under pressure
Have trouble believing I'll live up to expectation
Can't even write anything for myself anymore
I've flung myself to the mercy of an audience
Attack myself as my own worst critic
I think these days
I want to stop calling myself an artist
Just human
With faults and feelings
Like anyone
And these testaments serve as peace treaties
For all the wars
Inside me

Truth two.

I don't read the news everyday
I wish I were writing more race poems
For the revolution
I don't know all the politics or the war in Iraq
Instead
I find myself fighting a losing battle
With my embarrassingly helpless obsession with love
And yes, I think too much
And if i tell you my most fragile secret
It is that
My worst fear is ending up alone
And I want to write for healing
But all I've got are these aching words
That so eagerly want to take shape of a lover's curve
Bend adjectives to form the brims of eyelids
Swell into belly
Catch fire
After friction
Tremble
Like aching muscles
Exhaling against touch
I miss making love
As much as I miss writing real poems
Like I miss being honest
Like I miss being needed
But for the record-
I believe that lovemaking
Has saved more lives than any protest demonstration
And a kiss
Has freed more of us
Than we will ever give it credit for
Love is a movement
I'm on the frontline
And I'll still keep on fighting

Truth three.

My battles start erupting
Along my sides
In this extra flesh that bulges from my waistline
My belly is where the most of my insecurities gather
The place that mocks me the most
It reminds me I am disgusting
And sometimes it's hard to be inside myself
And I remember how annoyed I am at my mother
Not only for her criticisms
But for inheriting her hips
Tomorrow I wish my clothes will make me feel skinny
Too often I forgot to be beautiful
Curved out like this

Truth four.

I am bare after exposure
Raw like a fresh wound in saltwater
This is the most honest I have been for far too long,
My first real testament in months
I lay it down,
A peace treaty-
For all the wars inside me.

Replica

2009-08-04T00:04:00.001-07:00

Shadow, originally uploaded by ana_victor1a.

What if these were the only images that spoke to you?
Constantly dancing
Ever-evolving
Embracing Instantaneous security
Effects from the sun

We can engage in dialogue
Today, tomorrow, forever.

We could start again

2009-08-02T23:16:00.001-07:00

Incubus, originally uploaded by ana_victor1a.

Staying close to earth

2009-08-02T22:39:00.001-07:00

Staying close to earth., originally uploaded by ana_victor1a.

Planting my feet never felt so beautiful.

2009-08-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

Lost Generation

2009-08-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

I believe it!

Its the first of the month...

2009-08-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

As I count down the days to my departure, I've made sure that my month (and following months) is/are packed with enough excitement spent with good people. Pardon this list, as it will serve as a reminder to me (considering my phone is all messed up to record such dates)

8/1: Danelle's (former housie) birthday celebration dt
8/7: IRC mixer with my co-volunteers
8/9: Rock The Bells-- thanks for the ticket, Em! I'm excited to create the largest banig quilt. Lol, Danny... bring your 8 gauge needle. This will be the 4th consecutive RTB I've been to... and the music will never stop inspiring me to revel in the sounds of dope beats and transcendence. Acts I'm looking forward to seeing: Reflection Eternal, Slum Village & Eyedea & Abilities.
8/10: My god daughter, Shae's birthday (Why is it that she has the coolest birthdays?)
8/14-8/16: Yosemite
8/25- 9/2: Tokyo, Japan
9/22: Off to contribute to humanity in Nong Khai, Thailand
12/_ : Holiday in Australia
2/_: Hiroshima, Japan to visit Jennie (another former housie)
2/_: Home sweet home!
Somewhere in between all of this traveling I have to apply for grad school. Hah! Lara, we can do it!

Two Questions to Help You Gain Perspective

2009-07-31T20:41:00.000-07:00

Because this has been clouding my head this season:

What do near-fatal incidents, self reflection and death all have in common? They all, for me at least, help to put life into perspective. Each of these offers a different view point, for example a close encounter might help us to realize what really matters to us and what isn’t worth the stress. Similarly, self reflection can help us see where we may be wasting time or opportunities and how we can improve on that.

I don’t know if it is just me, but when somebody I’m close to passes away, I cease worrying about all my little problems and stop thinking that the world owes me a favor. Instead, I feel inspired to make the most of this opportunity, because it can disappear at any time.

It is as if the illusion and distorted view I have of reality starts to sink away and things start to become clear.

Over the last year, quite a few people have passed away and moved on to some other place. Yet, up until very recently I never realized quite what it was about death that inspired me to take action in life and stop taking the things that matter to me for granted. The effects of this inspiration never seemed to last very long, but I was always curious about what it was.

After sitting down and pondering over this for a while, the answer hit me. I came across a very simple, yet elegant understanding for what was happening: I was aligning myself with truth.

That is it, the catalyst of life that hit me when someone close passed away. I was simply seeing reality in its true form. The truth that:

The little problems we have in life really aren’t that important
Our time on earth is fragile and we should make the most of it
This is it, this is life, right now

There were more things that became clear to me, but those are arguably the most important. Once I had this realization, I started to look at how I can apply this simple understanding of truth to propel me to take action in life. After all, simply telling ourselves to “make the most of this opportunity” rarely results in some continued, effective, output.

I decided to look at my current situation and I formed two questions that helped me to really put things into perspective. I believe that everyone can benefit from answering these, the key being that you need to apply the principle of truth in your responses. If you don’t, the only person you are fooling, is you.

Question 1: If someone had a video tape of your typical day, what would they see?

I’m not talking about some bad habits you might have or an argument with a family member, instead I’m referring to your productive actions. Would they see you working hard at in your day job? Would they see you wasting time on irrelevant activities? Would they see you taking action or being complacent because you don’t believe in yourself?

I don’t know what it is about this question, but when I asked it to myself, the answer wasn’t pretty. I realized that in my typical day I can let the smallest things get me down, I waste time checking email that doesn’t need to be read, just to feel busy and so on. I take for granted the roof over my head, the food on the table and the abundance of clothes I can put on every morning.

“How you live each day is, of course, how you live your life”

It is only through honest self-assessment through this question that you can realize where your shortcomings may lie. After that, it is down to you to take this realization and use it to help you take action and change things for the better.

Question 2: Based on your current actions and behaviors, where would you expect to be in five years?

Note that this isn’t asking where you would like to be; this is taking into consideration your current efforts and looking at where you would expect to be. As with the previous question, answering this requires you being totally truthful.

Unlike my response to the first question, my answer to this was fairly positive. I took out a piece of paper and jotted down both the question and my response. My reply basically stated that I was heading in the right direction but I could be doing much more.

“You can’t escape the consequences of your actions.”

- Steve Pavlina

It is only through giving a truthful answer to this question that I can fix my flaws, rather than living in the illusion that I’m doing my best or everything is as good as it can be.

It may be the case that you’re happy with the answers you’ve written down or worked out, and if so, congratulations. Keep doing what you’re doing. On the other hand, I suspect a lot of people won’t be proud of the results after honestly giving this exercise some thought. If that’s you, then you’ve now taken the first and quite possibly the hardest step to rectify the situation and start creating the life you’re meant to live.

I truly hope that everyone who has taken the time to really ponder over these internal enquiries has benefited from gaining a new, honest perspective about their lives. Now it’s just up to change the things that you feel you should…

Good times at the Garlic Festival!

2009-07-29T18:47:00.001-07:00

DSC_1068, originally uploaded by ana_victor1a.

Exotic and stinky foods, fabulous face paint and profuse perspiration-- NOTHING like a Sunday afternoon at the Garlic Festival!

Who will play at my wedding:

2009-07-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

The Wedding

Art of War

2009-07-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

Housed at my alma mater! So excited to go to this!

My best friends at Halloway will also be showcasing their line and hosting a paper-scissors-rock tourney as well [from what I hear, hah!]

Ill-literacy will be performing! It's a shame Ruby won't be there, but Ill-lit always puts on a show, no doubt.

Weekend Lovers

2009-07-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

Best moments:

Unifying reggae lovers all throughout Music in the Park by singing Dionne Warwick's "What the world needs now" while holding our hands in the air.
Impulsively making a pit stop at a local bar, toasting to a pitcher on the way to the park
Transcending to a higher state of mind

Best moments:

Feelosophy's Michael Jackson tribute
Seeing Santa Cruzians
Wailing to 90's R&B with the girlies on the car ride home

Summer has been swell.

Learning the concept of being

2009-07-19T20:36:00.001-07:00

I'm about this

2009-07-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

Flying Lotus on DMT

I want to be embraced by the universe too!
Live on new age hippies, live on!

Saul Williams

2009-07-16T09:10:00.001-07:00

Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis when you became aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you. Licking the sides and corners of your mouth, like sealing a thousand fleshy envelopes filled with the essence of your passionate being and then opened by the same mouth and delivered back to you, over and over again - the first kiss of the rest of your life. A kiss that confirms that the universe is aligned, that the world’s greatest resource is love, and maybe even that God is a woman. With or without a belief in God, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding.--Said the Shotgun to the Head

Goals for the end of the month:

2009-07-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

Get in touch with professors from college & get letters of rec
Get Thai visa
Fix camera
Finish graduate school applications
Rough draft of letter of intent
Save more money for Nihon (it's so close! Only about a month away!)
Take passport pictures
Pay off CC
Finalize tattoo design
Develop new skin

Happy Birthday!

2009-07-11T19:30:00.001-07:00

My mom looks like a little girl in this picture.
Love you, Mama.

Found it!

2009-07-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm winning.

2009-07-08T01:07:00.000-07:00

2009-07-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

I think it's time to surrender to my thoughts now.
Time to refocus these lenses and see the world from twilight till dawn.

Womyn

2009-07-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

The shit that we do for the opposite sex, forreal.
We do it for love, we do it knowing the pain that it juxtaposes with.
All signs lead to a positive and we remain free from old age and responsibility!

& we're still rising. It feels good to have the power of choice.

Heavy hearts in tight spaces

2009-07-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a hopeful romantic.
I have hope for you.
I hope for romance.
But I'm mainly hopeful for spirituality.

I started thinking a lot about the idea of romance and all the idealism that it footprints after a brief conversation that I had with my mom a few days ago. We succinctly delved into mature matters such as what I hope to do with my life (i.e. moving out, pursuing higher education, traveling, etc.) I didn't mind the concerned motherly inquiries seeing as that our conversations often fall short these days. These inquiries usually fall under interrogation, rather than genuine concern. So I answered all questions earnestly, but one stuck out sorely in refute.

She asked, 'so when do you want to get married?'.
I stagger but reply immediately, 'Mom, I'm still 22. I've got a long way to go. Maybe when I'm 28 or 30? But I'm also not sure about the idea of a formal marriage.'
Exasperated, 'What are you talking about, you have to get married in a Catholic church'
I'm distressed at this point and reply 'I don't know, I think I just want to be spiritual partners with someone'

She laughed and said to me that it should be necessary to find 'the one' and marry him, 'the one' that's supposed to right all your mortal wrongs. 'The one' that's meant to cure that pesky disease called loneliness. 'The one' that is carefully constructed and designed to fit perfectly into society's jigsaw puzzle purely to exemplify and satisfy societal norms and expectations. Curious to understand her philosophy, I continued the conversation inquiring about this idea of repair that I have failed to mend. Insisting, 'Mom, if I love and believe in someone enough to stay with, I wouldn't need to validate my relationship with them. I'll be okay.' My mom, much to her chagrin, remained silent and left the question at the table. She continued on to asked about other matters, but I was still left behind with her curiosity.

I kept thinking about this many days after. My thoughts scattered into the abyss of my consciousness. I thought about what exactly is the case and point here? Was it her fixation on the idea of financial stability for me or the idea that marriage was a tool used for economic, governmental and societal benefits. Or was it the genuine concern for me to be married to someone who actually loved me? After alerting her of my career change and desires for humanitarian ambitions, she MUST be worried about the former. I may be getting ahead of myself in terms of assumptions and what she accredits as successful (in such a broad range of a word) but I feel like she believes that with a mate, I will be able to really live my life in a country that promises opportunity and privilege.

So it occurred to me, is it the institution of marriage that she may in fact be entirely concerned about? I've confessed my renunciation of the Catholic church on several Sunday morning mass invitations. That never seemed to settle with her. If that is the case, marriage may not be the ultimate answer to all questions here. It will not bring me closer to Jesus Christ, nor will it repair my Agnostic practices. Seeing as how the government superimposes discrimination in the most unrelenting form, I question the validity of marriage.

Then I sank deeper into my thoughts again and rewound the conversation over in my head. I thought about the repeal of prop 8 for a considerable amount of time. Why does marriage have to be such a robust institution expelling the most important emotion any being can ever experience: love. I refuse marriage solely based on the idea that a nationally and blatantly religiously recognized 'rights of passage' should not dictate nor measure the amount of love I have for another being. I want the love that I share with my significant other to be immeasurable. Not by a collection of unchecked boxes used to represent my status and what opportunities are available to me.

Maybe I'm speaking naively. Maybe I'm a hyper-empathetic and often feel the need to protest domestic injustices anytime they roll off my mother's tongue. Or maybe I'm just too goddamn idealistic.

I reflected further to when I was younger. My mom used to keep me away from the sun, she said that if I got any darker, no man will ever want to marry me. This memory has always marred my mind because I believed that if someone fell in love with me, the details wouldn't matter. The shade would not matter. The make-up would not matter. My body would not matter. And sometimes I resent these imperialized ideas that were instilled in my mom, in my dad, in our people. I think about the generations that struggled to find belonging in a space where it was necessary to prove that you've surrendered to the enemy. But in the end, I feel wiser and resilient. I know all of this. I know my worth and the power I possess to act on my intention and beliefs.

Shit, I too, believe a union between two people is fucking beautiful. I've seen the softened gazes couples give each other after professing promising words of commitment. I know it.

I just don't believe in the details.

I want to believe in sharing something spiritually with someone. On a remote level that I can't find anywhere else with anyone else but one. Plato's Symposium drives me absolutely nuts thinking about this longing for spiritual compatibility. Damn, and sometimes I think... what if I could find this with several people on several occasions. Immutability is beautiful, but I can't help but think that with sharing these beautiful things with people, it may be a perpetual process. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just want to refuse these structures instilled in this culture because I believe in something higher than constricted spaces and emotions.

Whatever it is, I know that in the end, happiness is what keeps these unions alive.
So I'll never stop speaking on that.
Live on love and happiness.
Live on.

2009-06-30T20:56:00.001-07:00

Yes!

2009-06-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so about this post right now.

20 Life Lessons I Learned in My 20’s

2009-06-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

If you’re smiling right now, you’re doing something right.
It’s not so much what you say that counts, it’s how you make people feel.
The biggest mistake you can make is doing nothing because you’re scared to make a mistake.
No matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.
Freedom is the greatest gift. Self-sufficiency is the greatest freedom.
If you catch yourself working hard and loving every minute of it, don’t stop. You’re on to something big. Because hard work ain’t hard when you concentrate on your passions.
It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance. You’ll rarely be 100% sure it will work. But you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Sometimes you just have to go for it!
Complaining is like slapping yourself for slapping yourself. It doesn’t solve the problem, it just hurts you more.
The one with nothing to hide is always the one left standing tall.
You can press forward long after you can’t. It’s just a matter of wanting it bad enough.
There’s a big difference between knowing and doing. Knowledge is basically useless without action.
In work and business, when they need you more than you need them, you have succeeded.
Everything that happens in life is neither good nor bad. It just depends on your perspective.
We are all weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we call it love.
True friendship and true love do sustain the tests of distance and time.
You can’t change who you are. You can only change what you know and how you apply this knowledge.
It is okay to be angry. It is never okay to be cruel.
Even when you feel like you have nothing, someone else likely has far less. Find them and help them. You’ll see why.
Having a thousand credentials on the wall will not make you a decent human being. But genuinely helping one person everyday will.
Remember, change happens for a reason. Roll with it. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

via Marc & Angel

2009-06-30T01:59:00.000-07:00

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd-- P.S.

The principle of Satiation (per my jenga)

2009-06-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

Oprea, I never thought I'd think about you again after taking that miserable Experimental economics . But today, the universe seemed to bring the frequency of your teachings into my thoughts. I thought about the alignment of the theory of satiation in respect to my life. The principle can be defined as how the quantity of something that someone possesses will affect what they are willing to give up to get another. Put in very simple terms this means that if you already had 50 shoes/jackets/bags/etc., then you would not be willing to give up too much to get another pair of shoes/jackets/bags/etc. Whereas if you had no pairs of shoes you would be more than willing to give up a lot in order to get your first pair of shoes.

So, where does this bring me to reflecting on my life?

It all started when I began de-cluttering my life of material shit I've been accumulating over the years. Attempting to de-clutter, I've endured painstaking moments cringing at material items I've spent hours obsessing over on the internet, impulse buys, and outdated sentiments that seemed to linger around this space. How is it that I've managed to spend so much money on useless shit over these years? Now, in respect to the principle I've stated, the latter expression has revealed itself entirely.

While growing up (my teen years till present), I've never had EVERYTHING-- I mean, that alone in the word seems less definable as we continue understand what 'everything' meant to us at the time. However, I've always felt like I 'had less' than anyone else. To satisfy this desire to own shit and gain this ideal goal of obtaining 'everything', I've slaved away serving you pearl tea and crepes, (wo)manned Girl Space at Great America, folded away boyfriend jeans and at AE, rat raced doing economic research, perfected the usage of 10-key and application of accounting principles and lied to you stating that those Rock & Republics looked absolutely fabulous on you. In return, I've meticulously filed away tax returns and pay stubs that always left me playing lead role in a mystery movie titled, 'Where the fuck did all my money go?'

Seeing from this pattern, the idea that I 'had nothing' created this yearning for more. I sacrificed so much of my youth in order to gain these things that would somehow define the person I am (or wanted to be). I attempted to reach satiation. I was neither at any level higher nor lower in terms of happiness when purchasing these fabrications. This would then later leave me to emptying out my room of belongings that I would perpetually donate to Goodwill, Savers and the IRC. I suppose this was a sign today to work on my minimalism for the up and coming months of traveling. Respectively, I also believe this is a perfect time to understanding how to organize my finances accordingly and understanding that there really is no other substitute for happiness.

Now that I'm looking around at my room (mainly my closet), I can finally breathe. I want to focus more on spending my money on experiences rather than tangible goods. Novelty shit can wait till I find more reasoning into buying that kind of stuff.

Lessons to be learned:
1. Try applying more economic theories to your life-- it might make more sense when handing over your credit card
2. Stop buying useless shit
3. Stop slaving away to buy useless shit
4. Buying useless shit is not a substitute for happiness. I'm referring to the idea in Ekhart Tolle's, A New Earth. He speaks on the desire to want more (stemming from the ego). The presumption that 'I have, therefore I am"-- which is wrong in so many aspects. He says, "one of the unconscious assumptions is that by identifying with an object through the fiction of ownership, the apparent solidity and permanency of that object will endow your sense of self with greater solidity and permanency". Again, many ways absurd.

That is all.

Wouldn't miss it for the world

2009-06-28T22:38:00.001-07:00

So nice to be in good company.

Speak to me in nonsensical patois

2009-06-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hoping to see Merde on the streets of Tokyo!

Empowered

2009-06-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

You are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life. — Anais Nin

¡Claro!

2009-06-27T12:58:00.001-07:00

Kübler-Ross model
Plato's Symposium
Maslow's Hierarchy
Triangle model

Nemo but ourselves

2009-06-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

Anais Nin said in her diaries, "We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

If this is so, why is there such constant resistance we continue to experience?

A breath of fresh air

2009-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't been inspired to write about anything significant in an extended amount of time. These days, I feel an unyielding resistance from gravity with an untimely, unfolding heavy heart. For the past few weeks, I've been volunteering with the International Rescue Commitee (IRC) with a new set of eyes. I'm volunteering with this org to prepare myself for the volunteer project in Thailand that I will be embarking on in September. To give concise background about this organization, it was founded by Albert Einstein (who too, was a refugee) in 1933 to assist citizens fleeing from Nazism. This became a foundation in which aided all countries who's people are fleeing from any political, ethnic, religious and racial persecution. Since then, this organization has disseminated throughout the world, established in 42 countries and 24 domestic locations here in the U.S, providing emergency relief, relocating refugees, and rebuilding lives in the wake of disasters. More importantly, the U.S. assists with refugee resettlements in the U.S. and self-sufficiency.

I've come across several refugees amalgamating from different ethnic and national backgrounds on a weekly basis. I absolutely love it. I feel air filling my lungs every time I walk passed those vibrant, welcoming glass doors. Rehearsed "hello's" and "how are you today, Ana Vi?" never cease to warm my heart.

I've been teaching english in collaboration with 2 host ESL teachers, Brian, from Ireland and the other, Mato is a refugee himself from Bosnia, whom I work closely with and learned so much from already! Eager to learn, I ask about his background (as with all of the clients (the formality in which we refer the refugees as) I have come across). In meeting new people, I love to hear their stories and how abouts our paths crossed. With Mato, I appreciate his reciprocation, the honest act of selflessness many individuals find difficult to achieve especially in finding peace with the trauma of leaving his home country. He's escaped the Bosnian war from the 90's that broke up Yugoslavia due to indifferences in religion and an unpopular referendum for independence. This was an immediate escape from Serb guerrillas who carried out deadly campaigns of "ethnic cleansing," massacring members of other ethnic groups and expelled them from their homes, creating Serb only communities. The area in which he grew up was multi-ethnic which became conflict for residing powers that lead these attempted acts to ensue. He was lucky enough to have his family come along with him when he fled, leading him to California and in my company. He speaks exceptional english and always shares with me how important it is to give back, to be compassionate, to learn as much as I can from other people. As I leave the space we share, I always pocket his empowerment for the days I forget to value my self-worth and acknowledge infinite gratitude in the simple things.

I've had my share of intensive teaching. In high school, I've taught elementary and freshman classes for 4 years, my last year being the latter level. I can align the parallels in learning styles and create strategies for improvement, however, the context in learning with this group is entirely different. If I had to make a Cartesian diagram, these clients would be ALL over the map. The levels range from highly advanced to 'never spoke a word of english' learners. The latter is an utter challenge, but it gives me drive to work harder. The clients whom I specifically work with so far are from: Bhutan, Ethiopia, Somalia and Iran. In relation to being all over the map, their professions vary as well. Some of the clients are highly skilled engineers, doctors, lawyers, accountants, and other skilled laborers. I anticipate to hear more stories from them. There is an infinite appreciation I have when coming in contact with this group, their eagerness to learn and genuine compassion for one another makes me so unbelievably happy. Their resilience and positive mind set nourish me with inspiration I've been looking for in the past few months.

I'm finding myself in the midst of this experience. If I've ever exchanged a few words with you, you'd have already known that I implore dynamics. I believe in creating something you desire. Something that gives us the adrenaline to get up out of bed with a smile on your face. In restitution, Fat Lip said it in simplicity "I gotta kick somethin that means somethin". Because if this is the single thing I can take with me when I go off into the dismal world of capitalism and strife, then so be it. I'll take the un-paid experience and live contently off of it instead of submitting myself to resentment. I need to stay grounded, to stay as close to the earth as humanly possible. We all live our lives sub-consciously burdened by the undone, the lack of satisfaction and procrastination-- so why can't we refocus these responsibilities and work towards a better you or a better space we live in?

I want to stay optimistic about the coming months and the anticipated change that'll superceed my departure.

I believe in writing stories for yourself.
Experiencing things.
Finding beauty in ugly places no one has dared sought after.
I also believe in change, in broadening your horizons.
I believe in pain
in envy, in unconditional love and humanity in its purest form.
I want to experience all of this.

If you happen to see me in the next year, or the year after, ask me how I'm doing. And if you have some time on your hands, we'll grab a drink and I'll have stories and philosophies to share. We both could learn from each other.

Cambiar

2009-06-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

Posting

2009-06-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

I've been posting frequently on tumblr lately. I'm still trying to figure out if I should shut this one down or not.

Certified Fresh
Melancholic Gypsy

Summer park days

2009-06-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

Tokyo!

2009-06-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

Impulse buy of the day: 1 $580 RT ticket to Tokyo
When: 8/25-9/2
Company: Bryan, Jenny, Frank, Nar
Mission(s): Cultural immersion, mindless inebriation, to be blissfully lost in translation

Guess it's time to brush up on the Japanese!

Spontaneity at it's finest!

2009-06-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

Isengard Drive (7:57:07 AM): hey ana

Isengard Drive (7:57:10 AM): you called?

ana victorious (7:57:15 AM): yeah

ana victorious (7:57:18 AM): let's go to tokyo

Isengard Drive (7:57:23 AM): sorry i thought it was my alarm haha

Isengard Drive (7:57:30 AM): lets go!

(we then proceeded to discuss expenses)

ana victorious (8:19:35 AM): cause i don't have much money to spend

ana victorious (8:19:42 AM): i'm reserving like 1500 for this

Isengard Drive (8:19:50 AM): yeah well i was hoping to spend like 2000-2500 on this

Isengard Drive (8:19:56 AM): hopefully on the low end

ana victorious (8:20:03 AM): really, now

ana victorious (8:20:08 AM): and that'll be cheap?

Isengard Drive (8:20:25 AM): but yeah flight and bus is already 600ish

Isengard Drive (8:20:29 AM): so thats only 1400 left

Isengard Drive (8:20:33 AM): not including hotel, food

Isengard Drive (8:20:43 AM): for like 7-9 days

Isengard Drive (8:21:03 AM): and hookers

Isengard Drive (8:21:07 AM): lots and lots of hookers

ana victorious (8:21:13 AM): shut up

ana victorious (8:21:14 AM): hahah

Isengard Drive (8:21:16 AM): hahaha

Isengard Drive (8:21:48 AM): haha but yeah im excited

Isengard Drive (8:21:55 AM): more so now that more ppl are going

Oh, Frankie.

K, Joke lang!

2009-06-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm back because... well, just because.

Meditation has helped me significantly within the past few days. Time to put the pieces back together. =]

R.I.P.?

2009-06-03T22:15:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure if I should end this blog or not. I used to write in a xanga for 3 years and I feel like this web blog experience here may come to an end. It may resurface in the months to come. Should I be compelled to publicly post anything about my life, inspirations, rants and gratitude I may return. But for now, I want to keep my thoughts sealed internally or on paper. It's interesting because this is how I ended my xanga--- the aspiration to return to the basics of writing on physical paper.

Who knows. Thailand is in 3 months, I may start a new one for the sole purpose of the trip! So long friends and readers.

To Do:

2009-06-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

Get out of binding contract with Bally's
DSLR research & near future purchase!
Delve into The Tibetan Book of the Dead
Begin IRC volunteer work
End Billshrink internship
Stop spending money
Donate/sell clothing
Write more

What to do...

2009-05-25T00:41:00.001-07:00

with my life.

Highlight

2009-05-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

Bay 2 Breakers 2009!

2009-05-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend was atypical of those I've had in the recent months. I used to wake up hungover almost every Sunday morning from the previous night's festivities. Usually sore, dehydrated, and trying to recollect the vulnerable moments I had with strangers and friends, I decided I needed to experience something different, something refreshing, something that DIDN'T involve my head in the toilet. About a month ago, some friends and I decided that we should run Bay 2 Breakers this year, that this was going to be the 'breaking the habit' event! Rumors of early Halloween costumes worn nonchalantly, A.M. debauchery, relentless nudity, and colorful personalities fueled our desire to partake (I mean, COME ON!)... and all the while getting back into shape?

Initially, I had no desire to actually train for this race solely based on the fact that I was in no physical shape what so ever to run the full 12k (7.46 miles) and because I have acute asthma. But I've managed to convince myself that this will be well-worth it. Yah know, setting goals then actually accomplishing them, that sort of deal. I started off running a few miles a day on the treadmill then decided to break free from the controlled stagnation and relocated the training outdoors, gradually making it to 7 miles. I didn't really have diet nor a work-out regimen for this race for the reason being that, I just knew I had to finish the race in under 3 hours and tended to listened to my body when I felt I couldn't continue any longer. My friends provided some well-needed motivation: early phone calls to go running replaced wake-up alarms and constant reminders to decline invitations to social gatherings that may involve alcohol were absolutely necessary to get through this B2B preparation. I tried to make this "training" something positive for myself in polarity to the culture of this festivity.

Sunday, bloody Sunday finally came. Six a.m. Em, BMac, Anna & I get up and get ready to go. I'm prepared with my orange tie-dye tank-top, royal blue spandex, mini fanny-pack, AM 95's & loaded with myself with 2 pills of fat-burners that fueled me with caffeine and firm conviction. Fitted and fly, we race to the BART station and begin our morning. We got off at Market and rushed through the crowds of people, making our way to our designated corral. Baffled and amazed, we take a few moments to stomach the lunacy of our 2 mile radius. I stand back and observe thousands of people dressed in a plethora of themes. Handfuls of pig costumes waving Mexican flags (poking fun at the Swine flu scare), colonies of naked men and women, drunken washed-out super heroes, vibrant fruit costumes, and Waldos are only but a small preview of the amazing costumes worn throughout the race.

So I'm off! I'm weaving in and out of the race, trying to get passed all the debauchery and manage to maintain a strong pace to the finish. I wasn't too concerned about my ending time considering the sites to behold along the way were just enough for me to enjoy the run. There was so much energy in the air. I decided this time, I wouldn't bring my ipod because I wanted the electricity from the crowds to inspire me. I had a crazy time making my way up to the finish line. At about Fillmore & Steiner is where my undeveloped endurance got the best of me. That hill was no joke. I felt like I was literally running in place. Despite that obstacle, I continued on. I ran passed a shit load of naked people, almost grazing all of those that I came in contact with, dodging tortilla throwers (those things hurt when they're thrown at full speed... hell of a slap, seriously), doing hurdles over a makeshift dam with branches these dudes in beaver costumes positioned in the middle of the freakin race (Damn, that dam!), tried to avoid the community of ass-grabbing smurfs and drag Smurfette and a crazy variety of other alter-egos. The race was nuts! I think one of the closest dangers I had during the race was when I nearly kicked a black pig that was set loose near mile 4. I seriously nearly saw myself falling face flat to the floor while being run over by the stampede behind me. The population of the race began to slim down as it progressed towards the end. As I made the last turn onto Great Hwy, I sighed in great lengths. I kept thinking to myself, "Am I still running?" because after awhile, my body became numb and functioned mechanically.

Once I saw Ocean beach bordering the race, I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming sense of elation stream through my body. The ocean's breeze couldn't have felt any sweeter. The finish line was only a short distance away.

And that was it.

I ran passed the finish line, jumping for joy! Awaiting us at the finish line were a myriad of volunteers spraying us with pain relievers and handing us bottled water. I finished the race at about 1:40 (10 minutes shy of the designated corral time, but god damit I had one hell of a run!) My friends and I reunite and do our celebratory dances and hugs, wiping off the work done from our foreheads.

We celebrated later by induging in unaccounted flows of alcohol & good food alongside good company. I'm somewhat trying to figure out if this Sunday was in fact atypical at all for a Sunday, or if it was just a day late from my usual Sunday morning experiences. I did, in fact wake up somewhat hungover this morning... and sore. Yea, pretty fucking sore.

I'm also contemplating about what to wear next year and if I'm going to participate running in the race at all. Lemme tell you, running passed block parties, Salmon conga lines, and beer bongs were quite the challenge to turn away from. We'll see!

You're just like a dream.

2009-05-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

Just like heaven - The Cure

Wahooo!

2009-05-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

I've just been offered an internship position with Billshrink.com in the marketing department. I'm excited! 2 days a week, 10-6 doesn't sound too bad. Good things can only happen from here.

More plans for the summer:
- Teach english at the IRC (International Refugee Center)
- Get back into hot yoga
- Take the CBEST
- Various adventures in and out of the city
- SoCal road trips (to visit Lara)
- Graduation celebrations for my friends!

Letter to the Universe

2009-05-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

Universe,

Thank you for being by my side. All this work and preparation paid off. I am ecstatic! Positive thinking and aspiring to get to this moment gives me hope for future goals I will set for myself. I'm ready for the future. I've learned that as long as I set good intentions, the impossible can be achieved.

This is my simple ode to you.

Living the dream,
Ana Vi

See ya!

2009-05-09T22:36:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, September 22, 2009
China Airlines # 3

San Francisco International (SFO) to Taipei Taoyuan Airport (TPE)
Departure (SFO): September 22, 1:35 AM PDT (morning)
Arrival (TPE): September 23, 6:00 AM CST (morning)
Class: Economy

Wednesday, September 23, 2009
China Airlines # 833

Taipei Taoyuan Airport (TPE) to Bangkok Suvarnabhumi International Airport (BKK)
Departure (TPE): September 23, 8:40 AM CST (morning)
Arrival (BKK): September 23, 11:20 AM ICT (morning)

I've just made the most memorable and life changing purchase of 2009:
A ONE WAY TICKET TO THAILAND!!

Rides back

2009-05-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

After running extensively over the past few weeks, Anna and I trace our footsteps back by returning home and riding out the path of our runs. This song played in the car today! I miss this song.

Your Woman - White Town

I need you, I want you...

2009-05-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

Summer weather is near! Thinking about getting a new whip. =]
I miiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhht make an impulsive buy. After all, unemployment is provided for another 9 months!

You're pretty.

2009-05-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

Let's listen to some poetry

2009-04-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

If you guys are free on May 3rd between the hours of 12-5, let's hit up UCSC to see this incredible woman right here:

Along with amazing performances put on by:
Haluan
UCSC Slam Team (that competed in nationals this year!)
Sabrosura
Tangroupe
UC Berkeley's Slam Team

2009-04-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

Religulous with Bill Maher

2009-04-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

I've just finished watching a documentary made by comedian, Bill Maher deconstructing the major [and extremely controversial] religions in the world. He interviews Muslims, Jews & Christians and even travels around the world to interview several other sect religions. This doc speaks on some heavy issues, but in turn still fills your stomach with laughter. Keep an eye out for the cannibus religion...

Description: Maher goes to a Creationist Museum in Kentucky, which shows that dinosaurs and people lived at the same time 5000 years ago. He talks to truckers at a Truckers' Chapel. (Sign outside: "Jesus love you.") He goes to a theme park called Holy Land in Florida. He speaks to a rabbi in league with Holocaust deniers. He talks to a Muslim musician who preaches hatred of Jews. Maher finds the unlikeliest of believers and, in a certain Vatican priest, he even finds an unlikely skeptic.

Trailer:

Watch documentary HERE

This soundtrack is beautiful

2009-04-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

Whirling Dervish

2009-04-19T23:22:00.001-07:00

Whirling Dervish (wurl-ing dur-vish) n. 1. A mystical dancer who stands between the material and cosmic worlds. His dance is part of a sacred ceremony in which the dervish rotates in a precise rhythm. He represents the earth revolving on its axis while orbiting the sun. The purpose of the ritual whirling is for the dervish to empty himself of all distracting thoughts, placing him in trance; released from his body he conquers dizziness.

The whirling dance or Sufi whirling that is proverbially associated with Dervishes, is the practice of the Mevlevi Order in Turkey, and is just one of the physical methods used to try to reach religious ecstasy (majdhb, fana). The name Mevlevi comes from the Turkic (Horasani) poet, Rumi, whose shrine is in Turkey and who was a Dervish himself. This practice, though not intended as entertainment, has become a tourist attraction in Turkey.

2009-04-19T22:52:00.001-07:00

Recent addiction: Subscription to Paulo Coelho's blog

2009-04-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

He usually has questions of the day, this one I am particularly interested in:

Why do we feel the need to protect ourselves from happiness?

We often run away from happiness because of guilt: of reaching our goals, our accomplishing our dreams. It is a very bizarre logic – we keep on striving to be happy and once we manage to achieve our goal we feel we don’t deserve it.

Actually, we wish to entertain an image of ourselves – as victims – and this in my eyes is just another way of being vain. We torture ourselves because we would like to be something we are not and this is why we turn away from happiness.

In my eyes, to be able to accept happiness is to forgive ourselves and accept ourselves as we truly are – not as we would wish ourselves to be. Acceptance and humility are the cornerstones of joy.

see HERE

Delving into The Gift by Hafiz

2009-04-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

WE HAVE NOT COME TO TAKE PRISONERS

We have not come here to take prisoners,
But to surrender ever more deeply
To freedom and joy.

We have not come into this exquisite world
To hold ourselves hostage from love.

Run my dear,
From anything
That may not strengthen
Your precious budding wings.

Run like hell my dear,
From anyone likely
To put a sharp knife
Into the sacred, tender vision
Of your beautiful heart.

We have a duty to befriend
Those aspects of obedience
That stand outside of our house
And shout to our reason
"O please, O please,
Come out and play."

For we have not come here to take prisoners
Or to confine our wondrous spirits,

But to experience ever and ever more deeply
Our divine courage, freedom and
Light!

2009-04-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

Theme - Jon Brion

I needed this

2009-04-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

Paulo Coelho

“I have always wanted to know if I was able to love like you do,” said the disciple of a Hindu master.

“There is nothing beyond love,” answered the master. “It’s love that keeps the world going round and the stars hanging in the sky.”

“I know all that. But how can I know if my love is great enough?”

“Try to find out if you abandon yourself to love or if you flee from your emotions. But don’t ask questions like that because love is neither great nor small. You can’t measure a feeling like you measure a road: if you act like that you will see only your reflection, like the moon in a lake, but you won’t be following your path.”

Hello, CNN!

2009-04-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

T.J. Holmes of CNN. CNN sure hires reporters that are easy on the eyes =]

Morning thoughts.

2009-04-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

I confess, some days I feel more inspired than others.

In my head, I'm running back and forth with my ideals and the more practical attainable goals that could be achieved. I'm never sure about what it is that I am going to get myself into today, or the next. Whenever I get that first message from the outside world transmitted through AIM, the seemingly curious nature of a question,

"What are you doing today, Ana?"
I always take in a few moments and say in my head,
"the possibilities are endless".

BUT REALLY

I take in another few moments to collect my thoughts and formulate plans in which I feel are collectively inspiring and retype something monotonous,
"I don't know".

Because some days, I really don't know.

These past 2 months have been a whirlwind, capable of destruction and fusion. I keep reminding myself that I'm young and nothing is permanent these days. Social pressures and expectations phase me on days of the week ending with 'day'. But when the hell did intangible things have such powerful impetus on me? I can't even see it.

I play tug-o-war with my thoughts. Sometimes I snap myself back to reality when I've been consumed. I'm always amazed at myself for experiencing all these emotions in one sitting without ever having a verbal conversation with another being. It's like I have this war in my head. My ideal self sprawls out on the front line, unarmored and ready to defeat all these self-fulfilling prophecies I've somehow constructed throughout my life and the other half is holding on to the instilled expectations my parents have of my future. When will it end?

It'll end when I'm ready to accept things for what they are.
It'll end when I can love myself without having to place a price tag on things or people
It'll end when I can finally get over the idea of "should be" and never having to find a replacement.
It'll end when I can have infinite moments of gratuitous reflections

It will just end.

Things to do:

2009-04-06T20:20:00.001-07:00

Learn how to play chess
Apply for grad school
Take standardized tests
Write letters
Train for Bay2breakers

More from life...

2009-04-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

And I've decided,
I no longer want to be pretty
But beautiful
And necessary
Because beauty is permanence

2009-04-02T23:26:00.000-07:00

Solitude is necessary.

On my days off...

2009-04-01T17:51:00.001-07:00

Decisions, decisions

2009-03-30T23:30:00.001-07:00

mischievoussouls (11:27:56 PM): are you going to go to sf with them tomorrow?

ana victorious (11:29:12 PM): nah

mischievoussouls (11:29:18 PM): yeah me neither

ana victorious (11:29:18 PM): gonna go to hot yoga at 12

ana victorious (11:29:19 PM): haha

mischievoussouls (11:29:22 PM): maybe we should just get high

ana victorious (11:29:21 PM): wanna come?

ana victorious (11:29:30 PM): haha what the h!

mischievoussouls (11:30:27 PM): haha

Dawning of new days

2009-03-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

The 2 words that have been coming to mind every morning for the past few days when I wake up have been

THANK YOU.

Thoreau

2009-03-26T03:03:00.000-07:00

Rather than love,
than money,
than faith,
than fame,
than fairness...

give me truth.

It's simple:

2009-03-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

I'm happy today.

Daily Tarot

2009-03-24T16:08:00.001-07:00

The Eight of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in space. I am true to myself and will only regret the chances I don't take to seek or follow my hearts desire. I turn away from or make a clean sweep of that which does not honor or sustain my passion and love, and in this, I am not afraid to be alone. I am empowered to move forward or make space and my gift is letting go.

I am inspired by this power of choice. Life is too short to live unhappily.

2009-03-22T03:28:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to my conscious & being entirely true to you.
Why should I have to proclaim anything when there was no inquiry to begin with?

DMT experience through Joe Rogan

2009-03-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

Dimethyltryptamine (DMT), also known as N,N-dimethyltryptamine, is a naturally-occurring tryptamine and potent psychedelic drug, found not only in many plants, but also in trace amounts in the human body where its natural function is undetermined. Structurally, it is analogous to the neurotransmitter serotonin and other psychedelic tryptamines such as 5-MeO-DMT and 4-HO-DMT. DMT is created in small amounts by the human body during normal metabolism^[1] by the enzyme tryptamine-N-methyltransferase. Many cultures, indigenous and modern, ingest DMT as a psychedelic in extracted or synthesized forms.^[2] Pure DMT at room temperature is a clear or white to yellowish-red crystalline solid. DMT was first chemically synthesized in 1931.^[3]

Goddamit, after listening to Joe Rogan, I'm interested & intrigued. He explains his DMT experience so vividly, I can almost feel my heart race from the excitement. Man, if I saw aliens I'd go fucking bananas. I want to see this Thai Buddah too!

"You should all smoke DMT, join my cult motherfuckerrrrr"-- J. Rogan.

2009-03-21T03:24:00.001-07:00

MSTRKRFT

2009-03-19T10:32:00.001-07:00

Tonight @ the Independent.

I'm excited! =]

Dedicated to Ruby Lynn

2009-03-17T19:17:00.001-07:00

Made by Rene

You're never far from my heart

2009-03-17T00:53:00.001-07:00

I love you, Ruby.

2009-03-16T00:45:00.000-07:00

Self Improvement

2009-03-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

I need more goals in order to consistently improve and better myself, physically, emotionally and mentally. I've accomplished everything from my January goals (even though they were rolled over to February and March)--but inevitably, I've accomplished them! I'm thinking about setting a few more for the remainder of the month.

Write more [journal, blog, notes, etc]
Study for the GRE's again & take them some time soon!
Pick up reading again [I had a month hiatus]
Start watching the news again [I haven't had a TV in my room in over 5 years]
Finish volunteer applications for Vietnam & Thailand
More cardio & outdoor activities
Continue photo blogging for project 365
Apply for internships & start job hunting [I think it's time to get more income rather than living off of my unemployment]
Pay off last credit card bill then hide that card so deeply in my room that I will NEVER have to use it again unless ABSOLUTELY necessary

I'll have to continue to add onto this list.

Pandora

2009-03-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

Favorite pandora playlists:

Boyz II Men
Adele
Metric
Jose Gonzalez
The Blow
Lykke Li
Zapp & Roger

Recap: Camp Everytown

2009-03-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

It's always refreshing to be around positive people who enjoy your presence as you do theirs. It's an experience that provides incessant learning, revealing your bare soul in front of strangers causing the feelings of empathy and elation. I wish I could go more into detail about the experience but it's one of those things where I could do no justice for the experience without having someone physically/emotionally go through it themselves.

Things I'm thankful for:

the delegates openness
the revelation of vulnerability
the power of touch and timely consolation
diversity and culture
god, finally and gradually diminishing social constructs: sexism, sexuality, racism, family issues, stereotypes of all sorts etc.
witnessing strangers become one
friendship/kinship
acceptance
the sunshine after the rain
reflection in such a beautiful space-- the forrest definitely helped the experience and seclusion from the ugly/polluted world we live in!
inside jokes-- that freakin "ok" hand gesture the delegates started up!
my girl, lean on me, we are the world
meeting new people
the hope that lives were affected by this experience
POSITIVE, POSITIVE ENERGY

I'm looking forward to going again.
This week: Mountain View HS.

Currently

2009-03-08T23:59:00.001-07:00

Working on:

my thoughts & reflections
deconstructing falsehoods
project 365
organizing photos
getting a hold on my life, altogether.

Cheers!

James Cullum- Twenty Something

2009-03-02T22:58:00.000-08:00

I can definitely relate.

Things I have absolutely no use for...

2009-03-02T02:08:00.001-08:00

Because I'm working on simplicity and minimalism [but they're still freakin cool, tehe]:

" I want Obama to fail!"-- Rush Limbaugh

2009-03-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

Because the Rush Limbaugh show is so fucking interesting anyway...

"The dirty little secret... is that every Republican in this country wants Obama to fail, but none of them have the guts to say so; I am willing to say it"

That's just heartfelt isn't it? Wishing ill upon all democrats. Waiting for failure to take it's course. Pointing and laughing after the "hopeful" regime has created an uproar.

I don't get it.

Why would anyone wish for Obama to fail at this point in history? Setting all politics aside, wouldn't the ideal insight here be to awaken our optimism and hope that our nation finally grabs hold of that financial life-vest? We are all facing the perils of a national crisis together and only wishing ill upon an administration would do you, nor the nation any good [if anything, it should be far from his thoughts]. Unfortunately, this great country of ours and our outstanding constitutional rights allows for shit like this to be aired. And in relation to the last sentence of his aired remark concerning capitalism... let's face it folks, capitalism is a crutch [I refuse to get into this without getting angry and enough robust information].Our country was founded on other things as well, but no one verbally confronts it. This nation was also founded on genocide, racism, slavery, colonization, "other"ing and so many other things. So how can we say that we want to preserve these very things? God, gimme a Kit Kat bar.

Apparently Rush Limbaugh is an accredited conservative political commentator, but why is it that no one can police his misinformation? I don't think I've read one news article on Media Matters that project his words in a positive light-- and the sad thing is, these are his bare words. No comments. No rebuttals. No nothing. What a great example of the amazing American figures we praise.

Obama's FY2010 Budget: An Overview

2009-03-01T22:19:00.001-08:00

After reading 142 pages [didn't exactly read ALL 142, but very close to it] of extensive future plans the Obama Administration hopes to achieve, I felt a huge load off my chest, literally. Careful planning and calculation for this country's budget is absolutely imperative to have national progress [attainable, at that]. I decided to highlight the positives and pin-point those very pertinent to me and my community:

15 things you should know about Obama's plan (but probably don't)

The plan:

1. Makes a $634 billion down payment on fixing health care that will go a long way toward paying for a more efficient, more affordable health care system that covers every single American.

2. Reduces taxes for 95% of working Americans. And if your family makes less than $250,000, your taxes won't go up one dime.

3. Invests more than $100 billion in clean energy technology, creating millions of green jobs that can never be outsourced.

4. Brings our troops home from Iraq on a firm timetable, finally bringing the war to a close—and freeing up almost ten billion dollars a month for domestic priorities.

5. Reverses growing income inequality. The plan lets the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans expire and focuses on strengthening the middle class.

6. Closes multi-billion-dollar tax loopholes for big oil companies.

7. Increases grants to help families pay for college—the largest increase ever.

8. Halves the deficit by 2013. President Obama inherited a legacy of huge deficits and an economy in shambles, but his plan brings the deficit under control as soon as the economy begins to recover.

9. Dramatically increases funding for the SEC and the CFTC—the agencies that police Wall Street.

10. Tells it straight. For years, budgets have used accounting tricks to hide the real costs of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Bush tax cuts, and too many other programs. Obama's budget gets rid of the smokescreens and lays out what America's priorities are, what they cost, and how we're going to pay for them.

11. Stops unnecessary government subsidies to big banks, health insurance companies and big agribusinesses.

12. Expands access to early childhood education and improves schools by investing in programs that make sure every child has a qualified, strong teacher.

13. Negotiates for better prescription drug prices using Medicaid's tremendous bargaining power.

14. Expands access to family planning for low-income women.

15. Caps the pollution that causes global warming, and makes polluters pay to support clean energy innovation.

Although there are several positives magnified here, the cynic in me still yells out "but, this is going to take an incredible amount of time to achieve!" and then I'm battling this with the cliche rebuttal "slow and steady wins the race". However long it will take, we will definitely feel a less harsh effect from the last political regime. Let's be ready, America-- there's only one direction we can go now, and that's UP.

Source info: Obama's FY2010 Budget PDF

11 Dysfunctional Beliefs that People Hold

2009-03-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

Albert Ellis's "Irrational Beliefs"

1. I believe that it is necessary for me to be loved or approved of by virtually every significant person in my life.

2. I believe that I should always be throughly competent, adequate and achieving in all possible respects in order for me to consider myself worthwhile.

3. People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They
are their bad acts.

4. It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be.

5. Emotional disturbance is mainly externally caused and people have little or no ability to increase or decrease their dysfunctional feelings and behaviors.

6. If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and excessively concerned about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring.

7. One cannot and must not face life’s responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them.

8. One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run one’s own life.

9. One’s past history is an all-important determiner of one’s present behavior and because something once strongly affected one’s life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.

10. Other people’s disturbances are horrible and one must feel upset about them.

11. There is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to human problems and it is awful if this perfect solution is not found.